“A white light. Bullshit, I always thought. But it’s fucking real. There was a white goddamn light, and I went into it. I remember peace. I remember floating. I remember this…nothingness, a beautiful, all-encompassing, soothing nothingness. That’s something I’ll never forget, that peace. I didn’t die. I don’t know why, but I didn’t. Robby got me to the hospital in time, and they kept me alive. I don’t remember any of that, because I was kept alive via machines. I was in an induced coma, just waiting. It was futile.
I’d never get a transplant.
They could keep me alive on the machines indefinitely, as long as that machine was plugged in. But without a transplant, I’d never leave the bed. And fuck that.
I signed the DNR form a long time ago; if I die, let me die. Don’t put me on the heart-lung machines; don’t keep me alive and tethered to fucking pumps and shit. But Mom, I guess, circumvented my wishes, and had me kept alive. “Alive”, though, is a relative term.
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