When He Fell
“I don’t want Joanna to come. Then I scold myself for such a thought, because I know it’s better if Joanna is with him. I won’t flirt, I won’t fall into fantasy land, and that is a good thing.
I’ve spent a fair amount of time there over the last year, daydreaming about the kind of life Lewis and I could have. I alternate between total fabrication: Lewis and I together, both boys ours, and a far more dangerous possible reality: Lewis leaving Joanna, moving in with me. Joanna would take Josh, of c...ourse. We could have him for weekends, maybe. But the real fantasy, the forbidden truth, is that I would like it to be the three of us. Lewis, Ben, and me. A family.
I know it won’t happen. I’ve always known; I’m not that deluded. But imagining something over and over again makes it feel more real. More possible, even as I tell myself it never will be.
The last four days, since Ben moved to rehab, have been intense in a whole new way. The ambulance ride from Manhattan to Peekskill seemed to take forever; I sat next to Ben and held his hand and he looked at me, his gaze so intent, and then tried to speak.MoreLess
I’ve spent a fair amount of time there over the last year, daydreaming about the kind of life Lewis and I could have. I alternate between total fabrication: Lewis and I together, both boys ours, and a far more dangerous possible reality: Lewis leaving Joanna, moving in with me. Joanna would take Josh, of c...ourse. We could have him for weekends, maybe. But the real fantasy, the forbidden truth, is that I would like it to be the three of us. Lewis, Ben, and me. A family.
I know it won’t happen. I’ve always known; I’m not that deluded. But imagining something over and over again makes it feel more real. More possible, even as I tell myself it never will be.
The last four days, since Ben moved to rehab, have been intense in a whole new way. The ambulance ride from Manhattan to Peekskill seemed to take forever; I sat next to Ben and held his hand and he looked at me, his gaze so intent, and then tried to speak.MoreLess
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