The Man Within My Head (2012)
“I knew him inside out by then, I liked to think, in all his many faces: I knew his guardedness, precisely because of all the feelings that were rising inside him; I knew his inability to settle to faith, or to any definition anyone was likely to impose on him; I knew his kindness, the stronger because of the obscure sense of darkness and treachery he always carried with him. When he wasn’t fleeing boredom, he was simply trying to escape the familiar—the emotional obligations of making a family—...moving from one place to another, one woman to the next as if to tell them, as well as himself, that there was less danger that way of hurting anyone.
He couldn’t easily stay with another soul, yet he had a lifelong, almost visceral terror of giving pain (he had always fainted at the mere mention of an accident); he longed to find love, and the peace it might bring, and yet he knew that he would always recoil from commitment, and the prospect it brought of losing everything (or gaining fixity, and obligation); he spent his whole life searching for a haven that, were he to find it, he would only exile himself from or spoil, and then begin the search again.MoreLess
He couldn’t easily stay with another soul, yet he had a lifelong, almost visceral terror of giving pain (he had always fainted at the mere mention of an accident); he longed to find love, and the peace it might bring, and yet he knew that he would always recoil from commitment, and the prospect it brought of losing everything (or gaining fixity, and obligation); he spent his whole life searching for a haven that, were he to find it, he would only exile himself from or spoil, and then begin the search again.MoreLess
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