Island
“Fear. It’s on the whole contemptible. Courage is what people should have. Courage is attractive. A person sitting rigid and incapable with fear deserves to be the butt of jokes.
I am well aware of this. I don’t find it attractive either. I don’t just embrace it, I don’t just fall into it without a fight, I don’t pretend to myself it’s nothing.
Later – not at the time because there’s no brainpower spare to do it, but after an attack – I have tried to figure out the precise mechanics the twisted ...logic of the thing. If I relax my vigilance the bad thing will happen. Doesn’t that suggest the bad thing is in me? My relaxation releases it. I have to stay awake to hold it in. But is it in or out? Am I holding it captive or at bay?
At last I make myself get off the sofa, stiff, pins and needles, aches. I deliberately turn my back on the window and make my feet go up and down over the floor to the bathroom. Take four paracetamols from the tub with the childproof lid I stabbed holes in with a tin opener because it wouldn’t unscrew.MoreLess
I am well aware of this. I don’t find it attractive either. I don’t just embrace it, I don’t just fall into it without a fight, I don’t pretend to myself it’s nothing.
Later – not at the time because there’s no brainpower spare to do it, but after an attack – I have tried to figure out the precise mechanics the twisted ...logic of the thing. If I relax my vigilance the bad thing will happen. Doesn’t that suggest the bad thing is in me? My relaxation releases it. I have to stay awake to hold it in. But is it in or out? Am I holding it captive or at bay?
At last I make myself get off the sofa, stiff, pins and needles, aches. I deliberately turn my back on the window and make my feet go up and down over the floor to the bathroom. Take four paracetamols from the tub with the childproof lid I stabbed holes in with a tin opener because it wouldn’t unscrew.MoreLess
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