Derailed
“I knew she meant well, but she didn’t understand that it was more than fear and grief that kept me from letting my guard down with him. It was hard enough to look at myself in the mirror—I couldn’t bear to see that same reflection in Ben’s eyes. No matter how tough of an act I put on, I was hanging on by a thread and knew that it wouldn’t take much to push me over the edge. I’d already hurt Ben once, and I didn’t want to do it again. Of course, I realized that it was probably too late to change... that. The first kiss we shared after I got back in town had likely sealed his fate. Beyond my self-loathing and concern for Ben was the reality that I felt more whole than I had since Adam’s death. Or really, if I was being honest with myself, since my Dad’s death. As many good times as Adam and I had, in some ways I had been sleepwalking. The guilt had always been enough to keep me from really enjoying myself. I knew how ridiculous the whole exclusive casual thing sounded, but I was still scared to commit to anything more.MoreLess
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