Dave Barry's Homes And Other Black Holes
“Now we have reached the most exciting part, the very essence of home buying: actually going inside specific houses so we can examine them and fail to notice major defects.
One important warning before you get started: You want to be on the alert for the Helpful Seller. This is the kind of seller who, the instant you enter his home, leaps out and attaches himself to you, like an intestinal parasite, only worse, because intestinal parasites, for all their flaws, do not feel a great need to point out every single one of their home’s numerous features, whereas the Helpful Seller does.
“This is the hall bathroom,” he’ll say, showing you a bathroom in a hall. Then he’ll watch you very closely, trying to gauge your reaction to this bathroom, and you’ll feel obligated to compliment him on it.
“Very nice!” you’ll say.
“This toilet seat was installed quite recently,” he’ll say.
“Huh!” you’ll say.
“It’s padded,” he’ll say.
“Bang,” you’ll say, shooting him in the forehead with your small-caliber revolver.
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