Being Lara
“But post birthday party, this sequence would only be the beginning of a process. She’d then shut the bedroom door behind her, switch on the gray lamp, lie back on her bed, and just hate herself. Consumed with a feeling of “badness,” of “wrongness,” she used her forefinger to tap on the base of the lamp, even numbers only as those raw feelings continued to play out in her mind. Guilt. Fear. A cauldron of emotion mixed in her head and tipped into every crevice of her body. Guilt for being such a ...horrid little girl and fear of what may happen if she didn’t count. She kept a running commentary in her head of how worthless she really was, as she tried so hard to think of anyone on this earth who really loved her and who truly gave a damn about her. In those moments of blurred reality, Mum and Dad would never pop into her head; there was just a void with no one and nothing in it. An intense feeling of loneliness. Of being utterly worthless. Unlovable. Pointless. Bad. Rotten.
Once the counting stopped, she’d lie on her bed until those thoughts also stopped whirling around her, by which time she’d feel a little better and Mum would call up the stairs yelling it was time for dinner.MoreLess
Once the counting stopped, she’d lie on her bed until those thoughts also stopped whirling around her, by which time she’d feel a little better and Mum would call up the stairs yelling it was time for dinner.MoreLess
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